Accepted, Denied, Deferred

I suppose it comes as a surprise to me in that a few short days I will know the true result of the painstaking effort I have managed these past couple years in order to read the language on the screen. The very writing on the wall will hold the answer to my future. Will it be what I want and plan for, or a curve in my path, a stumbling block that will flicker my lights and have me rethinking my destination?

There have been many milestones on my journey to Friday at 6pm.

The day that my mother told me that I could never go to a school like Smith and that I would end up shuffled with the crowd at some state school or worse a community college. This was of course because of my grades and frankly my lack of effort. As a young 15 year old girl I was much more interested in my new boy friend than the dreaded "C" word. I tried my very best to keep college at the back of my mind, if present at all.

There is of course my first report card Sophomore year, where I realized that perhaps I do have potential. I was looking at a piece of paper that was void of C's and D's. Instead there were letters that could make my parents proud, and make me rethink my future.

Fast forward to the day where my guidance counselor told me NOT to get my hopes up for National Honors Society. When I caught a glimpse of the disappointment on my father's face,my emotions were a tumultuous mess. I was an embarrassment to the family.

Then in a surprising turn of events I was qualified for NHS and I even got in- based on all of the extra-curricular effort I had put in during my years as a high-school student so far. This was the true measure that I had developed myself into a woman who was capable of meeting the standard held at Smith College.

Shortly after my induction I met a young woman who changed my life. She was intelligent and beautiful and talented and at first glance I will admit that I hated the thought of her. She would most certainly enter my world and slowly take away everything that I'd worked toward. But, in fact, the opposite happened. Her presence made me want to challenge myself beyond what I thought possible, and more than that I was able to gain a best friend. A young woman who I will cherish for the rest of my human life.

Then came the time when I had to pick out what colleges I would apply to. Looking at my criteria and the schools I could choose, Smith was the only option that made sense. In fact it is the only school I have applied to. To finally realize that I had a shot at making my dreams come true was one of the most striking experiences I've encountered.


Today I wait. Tomorrow I will wait (though hopefully in the snow). And Thursday I will wait. Friday I will have to wear my watch so that I may keep an eye on the time. And on that blessed hour, six o'clock, I will open my browser and type the passwords that hold the answers to my future, so distant, and yet at the same time so close as well.

The only question is:

What will it say?

Hubbardston

Last night I asked you if you're smitten with me.

You don't even know what smitten means

I wish you looked at me the way he looks at her.

A Vision in Green

It's silly to cry over a dress, this I know well. But what if, what if those tears are really from joy? Looking in that dusty mirror gently balancing against the wall in my grandparent's dining room I realized that I had never felt so beautiful.

I had no intention of visiting Connecticut today and finding the dress which I would where to my Senior Prom, but that was precisely the result of my trip. I am overjoyed, as ridiculous as it may seem.

It is kind of ridiculous to be so happy about a dress. Especially when that dress is nothing like I thought it would be, but when I'm in it I feel like a princess. And I can't wait to see my prince charming in a matching green vest and tie.

Can we just paint the whole world green?

Damon

Today I was a hero.
I had super strength.
I had magic fingers that could conjure a laugh.
I had patience enough for both of us.
I was the winner of Top Chef.
I brought lyrical words from a shy child's mouth.
I owned at Dr. Seuss board games.
I taught a five-year-old how to spell "meow.
I made $100 bucks doing what I would do for free.

I babysat today, and I feel accomplished.

:-)

Stream of Consciousness

I am in a good place right now. I don't know whats going to happen to us. Tonight was fun with new friends. Tonight was awkward because of all of the crushing that wasn't published. That didn't make sense, except in my head. Today I went to the doctor, I have the "medicine" but I'm not taking it yet (and I don't know when I will...). Laura is texting me and I want to go to bed. I sometimes reveal information that I shouldn't about my personal life and I don't know why that is. My drama class would agree with that last statement, actually everyone would agree with that last statement. I hate keeping secrets but I try really hard to do it anyways. Sometimes I pretend I like people, and sometimes I fail at it. When I have a lot to say I babble (like this). I want to know if I got into Smith. Then again, I want to know if I got into college, period. I want to already know my plan like some of my peers. I hate feeling out of control. I hate not knowing if he's going to leave me behind. I hate thinking that it might not be a bad idea. Sad but true: I love to feel smarter than my peers (it doesn't happen very often) My toes are cold. I should be in bed right now because I have to work with sixth graders in the morning. Sometimes I let my religion define my life and I'm not sure I'm okay with that. I've never had a Christmas tree. I love you. Bye

She ran away

They had a fight

They were both heated and insulted

And now only one of them's around

And he's simply no help

I still havn't finished this essay...

my mind is all cramped up

When I was little I thought that writer's block was a condition that people who wrote books got when they wrote too much and their hand cramped up.

I don't know how to articulate my thoughts...... this sucks.

maybe a new bed would clear my head

Today i was working on my Smith supplement (as I really need to send in my application soon) and one of the questions was whether or not I thought an all women college was still relevant in 2009?

The problem with that is, I don't. I honestly do not think that there is any need for single sex colleges and the fact that only women attend smith has practically no affect on my deep longing to go there. This is a problem because as you can imagine, a school that prides itself on being single sex probably doesn't want to hear how you think it's irrelevant.

My mum thought I should just say what they want to hear, and my dad thought I should write what I thought in a way that just flattered them. I don't know what to do.

The problem really is that I want to go to Smith so incredibly bad, which makes me over-analyze every aspect of my application. I am also afraid of the devastation/ embarrassment that would ensue should I not get in.

I am flawed in the fact that i become so determined and set on achieving something that I can think of no other possible outcomes. (Schmuco). And to make it worse I do not handle rejection well. It makes me bitter and self-doubting in a way that is truly unattractive.

What is a girl to do?

In the end I ended up not getting much work done on my application at all, and instead I went furniture shopping.

:-)

I can't exactly explain why tonight was so perfect....

There's just something about laughing so hard that you can't breathe that makes being with friends you love such a terrific experience
I just want to add a smiling emoticon to everything I write, or post on facebook

:-)

The colon dash parentheses is me

Even your doctor was surprised...

I am seventeen years old.
Am I a grown up yet?
I can't even make this decision.
It's so big and so small all at once.
Everyone is doing it.....

Then again, we never were quite like everyone else.

smiles and giggles and all of your wiggles

Today is going to be a marvelous day.

I just know that I am going to look cute, get a lot accomplished, and have fun

Those are the best days for me

I'll turn to community theater...

What seemed impossible was suddenly a possibility, this possiblity quickly became impossible.

And on life goes.

My afternoon sucked, how 'bout you?

My eyes prick *maybe I heard wrong*

The monotoned voice on the loudspeaker has just announced callbacks for the fall production. A long list of students is read aloud for the whole school to hear. Sam Doolittle, Alex Schaefer, some Freshman girl I don't know... I am a senior, and have never not gotten a role at my high school, yet for some funny reason, my name was not read.

I'll just check and see if there was a mistake. No mistake my name is not sitting where it belongs neatly wedged in black and white print between to of my comrades. No, instead my name has been left behind, unwanted. A penny that fell out of your pocket onto the street, too much effort to bend over and pick it up.

My tears choke me as I think of how... surprised?... I am. How sad? How embarrassed? I am a well known name in this school. I am also well known for my participation in drama and now- well, now what? They will all know I failed. Everyone will know I am a failure. It will be awkward, especially if anyone asks, which of course they will.

If it had been him I would have been cast, probably in a significant role too, but this woman has no clue. No sense of experience which is really what's most important, right. I am not delusional am I, please tell me I'm not delusional. She didn't even ask me what I've done before, which is a lot. To be frank, as far as experience at the high school I have been in more performances than anyone who auditioned, and those shows I did not perform in, I was still incredibly involved.

I just can not explain my sadness. I feel left out, and empty, and entirely helpless. What now?

(what now)

Some women just have it all:

"I love the sensual.
For me this
and love for the sun
has a share in brilliance and beauty"

~Sappho

a competetive nature wins it all

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm good enough

(in comparison I am nothing)

I am not as talented

I am not as Pretty

I cannot preform as well

I do not dress as well

I have less ability

I am simply not as perfect



and worst of all-

I cannot compete with perfection

simply because

I am not as competitive

Spirit Week

Spirit Week is almost over-

In a flash, we were spun in a whirl of colors and costumes, pajamas and enthusiastic teachers, a tizzy of excitement

I can't believe that in a few short days-

This will all be-

a memory

This Entry is Mac and Cheesey

Tuesday is my three year anniversary with Phillip

I remember our first date

The first time he touched me

He put his cool hands on my hips

As he stood behind me

Pressing his body towards me

And I was just a giddy 14 year old

Who could have predicted that today

I would be deeply in love

And so incredibly content

With my best friend