Colorful

Looking forward to Friday :-)

Have you ever heard....

The sound of paws sliding on a hardwood floor as he struggles to stand,
A dog wince and scream from the pain of age
A grown girl gasp between sobs at the site of an old friend, too old.

But how could we terminate the life of one so dear? Shouldn't nature take its course? What is the right, the humane, thing to do?

Spooked

Today I was responsible (as per usual) for driving Sarah to and from her summer Chemistry course. At 8:50 pm when I got in my car to go get her, I suddenly felt very anxious, like I was about to be attacked! The reflection of our porch lights flashed in my eyes. The back of my spacious van was full of shadows, perfect for concealing a predator. My heart leaped from my chest when I saw a strange man smoking at the end of my driveway.

This never happens to me.

When camping I have no qualms with going into the dark woods to do my business. I'm never afraid of robbers. When walking in a busy city I feel calm and confident.

So why, today of all days, am I so afraid?



I can't help but wonder if I am pushing my brain to its natural limits. Of all the media out there- books, television, articles, movies, pictures etc. It seems that I am drawn almost exclusively to the darkest subjects. I'll read a few chapters of an emotional Jodi Picoult novel and top it off with an episode of Law and Order SVU. Sarah was furious with me the other day for sharing a vivid passage describing a girl accidentally drowning her cat. And I eat this stuff up. Not to say that I am violent, or emotionally disturbed, but I have a clear appreciation for all that is horrific. Most of my favorite movies have unhappy endings. What does that say about me?

Why am I so much more content to cry and quiver at a book or film, than to enjoy a comedy?

Look at me. Do I seem like a girl who is chock full or darkness. When I enter a room with a floral dress and a smile would you guess that not too far under the surface is a woman fascinated with sadness?

No, you wouldn't. So is it bad that I am so complex? I wonder, will anyone ever solve this puzzle?

Come Find Me

I'm ready.

Heat

The air is thick with heat. My skin is glowing brown from hours of sun exposure. My hair frames my face in coils, despite my best efforts to pull it back. I have been wearing loose fitted dresses to minimize the amount of warmth trapped against my body. When I approach a piece of furniture (be it a couch or chair) I don't sit. Instead I melt into the support, my body exhausted from the smallest exertion. However, I am comfortable. I can find a room with air conditioning, or sit outside and feel a passing breeze. My body soaks in all that is summer.

Mind Swell

I want to be ecstatic. I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends. Sarah who is always my pillar, Laura and Sam who have been here for me through good times and bad, and of course the solid four new people in my life who make me feel at home- Jessie, Curtis, Amber, and Sasha. I do feel blessed to have them all, really I do, especially having just come home from the most amazing camping trip I've ever had.

Still, I can't help but doubt myself, and dwell on the past a little. I should not. I know this. I feel that my whole being is constantly being torn and I am chock full of self doubt. But I have to know- did I do something wrong?

When you've been forgotten or ignored by people you thought had cared, when someone you loved erases you from their life wiping out all evidence that you'd been a pair, when you feel so far away from so many- what did you do?

I just want answers, but I am too afraid to ask.