maybe a new bed would clear my head

Today i was working on my Smith supplement (as I really need to send in my application soon) and one of the questions was whether or not I thought an all women college was still relevant in 2009?

The problem with that is, I don't. I honestly do not think that there is any need for single sex colleges and the fact that only women attend smith has practically no affect on my deep longing to go there. This is a problem because as you can imagine, a school that prides itself on being single sex probably doesn't want to hear how you think it's irrelevant.

My mum thought I should just say what they want to hear, and my dad thought I should write what I thought in a way that just flattered them. I don't know what to do.

The problem really is that I want to go to Smith so incredibly bad, which makes me over-analyze every aspect of my application. I am also afraid of the devastation/ embarrassment that would ensue should I not get in.

I am flawed in the fact that i become so determined and set on achieving something that I can think of no other possible outcomes. (Schmuco). And to make it worse I do not handle rejection well. It makes me bitter and self-doubting in a way that is truly unattractive.

What is a girl to do?

In the end I ended up not getting much work done on my application at all, and instead I went furniture shopping.

:-)

I can't exactly explain why tonight was so perfect....

There's just something about laughing so hard that you can't breathe that makes being with friends you love such a terrific experience
I just want to add a smiling emoticon to everything I write, or post on facebook

:-)

The colon dash parentheses is me

Even your doctor was surprised...

I am seventeen years old.
Am I a grown up yet?
I can't even make this decision.
It's so big and so small all at once.
Everyone is doing it.....

Then again, we never were quite like everyone else.

smiles and giggles and all of your wiggles

Today is going to be a marvelous day.

I just know that I am going to look cute, get a lot accomplished, and have fun

Those are the best days for me

I'll turn to community theater...

What seemed impossible was suddenly a possibility, this possiblity quickly became impossible.

And on life goes.

My afternoon sucked, how 'bout you?

My eyes prick *maybe I heard wrong*

The monotoned voice on the loudspeaker has just announced callbacks for the fall production. A long list of students is read aloud for the whole school to hear. Sam Doolittle, Alex Schaefer, some Freshman girl I don't know... I am a senior, and have never not gotten a role at my high school, yet for some funny reason, my name was not read.

I'll just check and see if there was a mistake. No mistake my name is not sitting where it belongs neatly wedged in black and white print between to of my comrades. No, instead my name has been left behind, unwanted. A penny that fell out of your pocket onto the street, too much effort to bend over and pick it up.

My tears choke me as I think of how... surprised?... I am. How sad? How embarrassed? I am a well known name in this school. I am also well known for my participation in drama and now- well, now what? They will all know I failed. Everyone will know I am a failure. It will be awkward, especially if anyone asks, which of course they will.

If it had been him I would have been cast, probably in a significant role too, but this woman has no clue. No sense of experience which is really what's most important, right. I am not delusional am I, please tell me I'm not delusional. She didn't even ask me what I've done before, which is a lot. To be frank, as far as experience at the high school I have been in more performances than anyone who auditioned, and those shows I did not perform in, I was still incredibly involved.

I just can not explain my sadness. I feel left out, and empty, and entirely helpless. What now?

(what now)

Some women just have it all:

"I love the sensual.
For me this
and love for the sun
has a share in brilliance and beauty"

~Sappho

a competetive nature wins it all

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm good enough

(in comparison I am nothing)

I am not as talented

I am not as Pretty

I cannot preform as well

I do not dress as well

I have less ability

I am simply not as perfect



and worst of all-

I cannot compete with perfection

simply because

I am not as competitive