Who Are You?

The boy I knew didn't behave in such a manner. He looked down on those who lacked self respect, honor, dignity, a moral compass. There are so many days I wish I could have you back, but how can I when you behave like this?

I have tried to convince myself that you are still the same person I fell in love with, but that is just not so. Since we've parted you have done more damage to my self-esteem and heart than I could have ever foreseen. Not to mention your recent actions which have been questionable at best. I find myself remembering the times that we fought, times that I cried for hours over you, and I wonder why I put up with it.

I already know the answer. When you are good to me, when you smile at me and tell me I'm beautiful, when we laugh together, or hold each other, even sometimes when we bicker; I feel undeniably happy. It's as if I'm on a roller coaster, going way too high only to fall back down. Maybe I crave that rush of emotions, maybe I depend on it.

I hate that I can't stand you, and I can't live without you. You disgust me, yet I love you all the same.

I know I shouldn't...

But what can I do to change?